I'm having a bit of an off-month.
My blog isn't really going in the direction I want it to go, and because of this, I'm having a lack of motivation to even post at all - it's like a vicious cycle.
But I'd be lying if I said that was my only worry at the moment.
You may or may not remember that I briefly mentioned about my uncle's passing earlier this year. He was diagnosed with cancer and within a couple of months he was gone. I never really had time to wrap my head around it, and although I cried (a lot), it's only just now starting to sink in.
I find myself thinking about him and the conversations we'd have - he'd always ask me about this blog and how it was going, and we'd talk about university and education and work, and he'd pour me a glass of port on arrival at his house as soon as Christmas started to approach.
It's taken a couple of months but I'm actually starting to realise that the person who I did all of those things with is the same person that passed away and is no longer with us - I've only just tied the two things together and it's hit me quite hard. I find myself in tears at random points of the day if I think about it too much, and I feel selfish for doing so because he had daughters and a wife and sisters who were closer to him than I was, so I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be upset.
Grief is a funny thing, isn't it? I suppose what scares me the most is that he was so young and no one saw it coming. He was an active, healthy man and it shouldn't have happened to him. It worries me because I feel like I am failing at where I want to be, and I need to get there ASAP because life is too short.
I will put out there what other bloggers have too much pride to say: I want to be one of those 9364927648 subscribers - have-my-own-beauty-range bloggers. And what's wrong in admitting that? I started this blog four years ago at a similar time to Lily Melrose and Zoe Sugg and so many other well-known bloggers that are doing so unbelievably well, and I feel like I got left behind a bit.
Don't get me wrong, I have a weird sense of blogger pride for those girls and it's my own fault for not being strict on my regular posting and making sure my outfit photography was on-point, but is it too late to change that? Because at the moment, it feels like it is.
I'm so unbelievably passionate about writing and blogging, so it's only natural that I want this blog to work and to be noticed for the effort that I put into it. I don't think there's any harm in admitting that at all.
Anyway, I'm rambling far too much, and I will look back on this post in a week and realise I'm just being a bit mardy. But sometimes, we all need to be reminded that behind these blogs are just normal Twenty-something's who are struggling with things, and sometimes just need a virtual hug or an outlet to cry to.